To the first boy I ever fell in love with,
You broke my heart.
You broke it a million times, then all over again. I guess you know that though, right?
I used to replay thoughts in my head about what could have been. Imagined if the timing were different that things would not have ended the way they did. If maybe we risked it all things would have ended differently.
I no longer feel this pain deep enough not I write about it. You played me.
I was a pond in your sick game. Even with so many other girls, you were never fully satisfied, were you? You knew exactly how to manipulate me to be there for you.
No matter what other boys had somehow you felt better—even if you weren’t. It was from the moment I had met you with that first conversation I knew you were going to be someone special. You had so much light and what I believed to be a beautiful soul.
That is what I always saw, and this illusion became my greatest destruction.
I spent a lot of time trying to be there for you because I saw the hurt in your eyes. I wasn’t trying to fix you but stand by you as you brought your pieces back together. I think you expected otherwise.
I thought things would be different some day but, that day never came. I spent a long time waiting for your letters. I re-read your words and your poems for more. I tried to puzzle my way into your thoughts but found myself entangled in my own.
Your writing was enticing and it felt enough sometimes but, it was never enough. I thought I was never enough.
More than heartbreak though, I was scared. Scared to have you, scared to lose you, scared to exist.
The worst part is, I think I hurt you too. For this, I am truly sorry.
“You say you’re not special because the world doesn’t know about you, but that’s an insult to me. I know about you.” – The Fault In Our Stars
You did know me. At that time, more than anyone else. So, I forgave you time and time again. I forgave your selfishness because I saw where your hurt came from and I gave you the permission to hurt me.
I didn’t deserve that.
I made myself small for you.
You told me you were not good enough, and the tragic truth is that you were right. That boy, in that moment, was not good enough.
I guess I thought that if I made myself smaller maybe we could be together.
My heart ached for a long time. I always wished it would have been easier to let go. I wished the beautiful memories we shared could disappear. You hurt me in places I didn’t even understand until I saw the wounds years later.
I loved you but, I loved myself too much to hold on any longer.
- It is because of you that I no longer make myself small for anyone.
- It is because of you that I found myself being who I always wished I were.
- It is because of you, that I no longer fear to be alone.
I am no longer broken.
I am longer hurting.
Thank you. You showed me I could myself beautiful when I didn’t feel that way. Thank you for letting me move on, even if I fell apart soon after. Putting myself back together was the absolute most difficult and astonishing thing I ever did for myself. Thank you for letting go even when I wished you hadn’t. I truly believe you were a part of my life for a reason bigger than heartbreak. You and I know that.
You were right, I was light even if I never had believed it.
I was never scared of falling for you. I was scared of falling in love with myself, but falling in love with myself became the reason I healed.
If it worries you, don’t be worried I don’t talk about what we had because I like to keep it ours. I will always love you even if I am not in love with you. I will always care, even if I am no longer there. I will always root for you, even if I am no longer rooted with you. I will always remember you, even if I forget all the small details we shared.
With love and compassion,